Jerome Orleans

2006-08-13T09:06:00.000-05:00

The maker of Q Tips could instantly double profits by only putting the cotton on one end of the stick. People would catch on quickly when they use the cotton end, then try to use the other end and say, "damn, that hurts, hand me another Q Tip!"

2006-08-01T20:27:00.000-05:00

it would be pretty funny if someone found a finger in a Subway sub and they could change their slogan to "eat flesh."

2006-07-06T19:52:00.000-05:00

why is it that advertisers feel the need to market their small electronic devices to people who ride subways or trains? what percentage of the american population really travels this way? perhaps they should be advertising their music playing devices to, say, a dude who likes to listen to music.

2006-06-29T22:11:00.000-05:00

I'm pretty sure the graham cracker companies would be out of business if it weren't for s'mores. While marshmallows and chocolate can survive on their own, the graham cracker is really out of luck without the other two. I would guess that the marshmallows and chocolate realize this and regularly make fun of the graham cracker. He's like the guy who's only cool because he tricked some dumb hot girls into hanging out with him.

2006-06-27T20:12:00.000-05:00

Since it's summer, there are tons of commercials on TV where the setting is an outdoor picnic. The commercials feature all of the good things about barbeques... pools, laughing, story telling, flip flops, hawaiian shirts and frisbee throwing.

Except in this commercial tonight, there was a guy swatting a mosquito on his leg. And the commercial wasn't for bug spray or anything like that. The only thing I can think is that the commercial's creator secretly hates cookouts.

2006-06-21T20:19:00.000-05:00

Dear people who invented email,

Thank you for your neato invention. I have a question about what the hell you were thinking.

As you know, email "forwards" are all the rage. The whole idea is that a ton of people read the forwarded emails. However, reading becomes extremely difficult when an email looks like this:

>>>>>he said to the person who was
>walking in the other direction
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>and minding his own
>>>>>business.

Sincerely,
Guy who hates those stupid arrows

2006-06-20T21:02:00.000-05:00

I'm watching the NBA finals, and it is truly absurd how tall the players are. Basketball just draws in people of ridiculous dimensions. What if other sports were like this?

--Soccer players all have size 16 feet
--Volleyball players all have hands the size of tennis rackets
--Tennis players all have arms that each stretch half the width of the court
--Hockey players all have bodies large enough to fill the space in front of a goal
--Baseball players all have arms the size of tree trunks (Bonds and McGuire got this message a while ago)

2006-06-20T19:12:00.000-05:00

I'm now CPR certified. Suddenly I've become a valuable dinner guest. Maybe I'll be invited to watch TV and eat pretzels with President Bush.

It got me to thinking about how the whole CPR process is very time sensitive, which is probably why they gave the skills a three-letter name. Otherwise if someone was choking or in need of help, I would have to say, 'I can help, I am trained in Cardiopulmonary Resuscitation!'

2006-06-15T21:26:00.000-05:00

I haven't owned an oven mitt for several years. I have always figured, why would I spend $5 on an oven mitt when using a towel works perfectly fine? But who would have thought oven mitts pay for themselves... I dropped a hot $5 pizza on the floor because my towel had a hole in it.

I saw an ad today for a company called "virtual countertops." underneath it said the company was a division of "virtual toilets." If anyone ever tells me they have a virtual toilet I'm going to take a dump in their virtual living room.

2006-06-14T22:14:00.000-05:00

why do people say "if you were stranded on a desert isle?" Don't they know there aren't islands in the desert? Then they're like, no really, what's the one thing you would take with you if you were stranded on a desert isle? I'd be like, a freaking camel so I can come home.

2006-06-13T22:38:00.000-05:00

I went to a restaurant today that had indoor and outdoor seating. About half of the seating was inside and half was outside. About 95% of the customers were eating outside, so I ate outside too. There's not much worse than being one of 3 people in a restaurant that seats 63. I know that number because they had a maximum occupancy sign. Those things are quite informational. Whenever I go in a place, I look for that sign. If the place sort of smells and the number is really high, like 472, I immediately leave, unless there are 471 people inside. Then my spot is incredibly valuable and probably worth money. At that point you can either charge someone to swap you places, stand in self awe of your position, or laugh in the faces of those in line. Actually, I only take that last option if I know I'm soon leaving through a different exit or the place is closing in the next 5 seconds.

So, I ate outside with everyone else and the first issue when eating outside is always the silverware/napkin issue. Of course the silverware always comes wrapped in the napkin. so you take the napkin, put it on your lap, and you take the silverware and put it where? On the outside table, which is invariably a mesh/metal top of some sort, which, visibly, contains rust, crusty food pieces and tidbits of bird poop. I've never looked at the underside. I ordered water and fruit roll ups.